The Funnies

Why Walmart? The Wal-Mart Will. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wa l-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

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Fix my computer easy, no problem!

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I've Been Real Busy... Haven't had time for the newsletter...

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Decisions Decisions!

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Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2005 KENTUCKY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of KENTUCKY . If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The KENTUCKY EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"

Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN KENTUCKY EDITION:

Cancel............stopdat

Reset.............try'er agin

Yes...............yep

No................nope

Find...........hunt fer it

Go to.............over yonder

Back..............back yonder

Help..............hep me out here

Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)

Start.............crank'er up

Settings..........settins

Programs......... stuff at duz stuff

Documents! ...... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the KENTUCKY EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2005:

Tiperiter......................a word processing program

Colerin' Book.................a graphics program

Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator

Outhouse Paper................notepad

Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0

Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the KENTUCKY EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
- Billy Bob Gates

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...Please DO NOT put the pole in front of the window...

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Hard to believe!!!

1: Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen McNuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6: I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid

TRIVIA... Now you know everything...

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capones's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

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Government in Action.

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Football Quotes...
My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. David Beckham.
I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league. Mark Viduka.
We lost because we didn't win. Ronaldo.
I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Stuart Pearce.
I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona. Mark Draper.
I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier. Ugo Ehiogh.
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These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. "
"This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. "
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. "
"When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet. "
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. "
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot .
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. "
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. "
"He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it! "
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only took a sip "
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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"For the Lexophiles" (LOVERS OF WORDS)"

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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Headlines for 2043 - This Could Happen...
Ozone created by electric cars now millions, in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all .
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year stud y: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Words Of Wisdom...
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

The Doctor's in...
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on... The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded,"
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

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1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

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Do we need a high school exit exam? Actual exam bloopers:

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam, and Eve were created from an apple tree. One their children, Cain, asked, Am I my brother's son ?"
3) Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4) Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines!
5) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, junped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
6) Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen'. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah.
7) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenburg invented the removable type and the Bible. Sit Walter Raleigh is a historical figure, because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
8) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
9) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinto and the Santa Fe.
10) One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis!
11) Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure dmoestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
12) The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she could not have any children!

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REDNECK - 2003 EDITION You know you're a redneck when...

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family has sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You consider your license plate personalized because a relative made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

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User Friendly...

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New Words For 2003 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary :
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see it ...
Mouse Potato : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Sitcoms Single Income, 2 Children, 1 Mortgage. What yuppies become when they have children and one stops working to stay home.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. Ex: The O.J. trials
Percussive Mainenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were meant to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found," requested document could not be located.
Generica American landscapes that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
Woofys: Well Off Older Folks.

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Modern Military Financing!

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Senior Moments...

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin and antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories...over---and over---and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for; long term care, eye care, Medicare, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds or politicians.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors, absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years; SS, CD's, IRA'S and AARP.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to it.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't be sending it back to them. You didn't send it, did you?

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MS Word - New Options!

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Remember When...

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show

A window was something you hated to clean

Ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of a girlfriend

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife... Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu.

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A thief nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime and getting past security, he was captured two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. Asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a blunder, he replied: "Alas, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make ze Van Gogh."

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A True Audiophile!

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples." "Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?" "Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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The New Air Force One...

A couple of red neck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other red neck starts to panic, then whips out is cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! The red neck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?

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I wanted to be a computer pirate, but I couldn't hack it.

I was a potter for a while, but I got fired.

I tryed being a carpenter, but I couldn't quite nail it.

I worked as a propeller maker, but the company screwed me.

I trained aa a dentist but someone always had to fill in for me.

I was a meteorologist, but that blew over.

I was a mountaineer, but never really reached my peak.

I tried to be a rescue worker, but that job always ended in disaster.

A long time ago I was a train driver but ran out of steam.

I wanted to work at a bank desk, but couldn't count on it.

I tried working as a mason, but I was always stoned .

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Alternative Workstation for the busy Computer Professional...

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STATE SLOGANS...

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity (also applies to California...)

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Uni-bomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

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Animal Corner

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Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them...

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church...

4. Even if you're sure you're included in the will, it's still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home...

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Priceless!

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You Make The Choice

1. If I like it ... it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand ... it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you ... it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago ... it's mine.

5. If it's mine ... it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something ... all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine ... it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine ... it's mine.

9. If it's yours and I steal it ... it's mine.

The above 9 rules are from: Children's Property Laws OR Microsoft's Business Plan - YOU MAKE THE CHOICE!

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Animal Corner

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You Know you're drinking too much coffee when...

You answer the door before people knock

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

You can photograph yourself from 10 feet away without using the timer

Your Thermos is on wheels

You help your dog chase its tail

You have to watch videos in fast-forward

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House"

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there!

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas

You can type 60 words per minute... with your feet

You can jump-start your car without cables

All your kids are named "Joe".

You buy half & half by the barrel

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in!

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house

People can test their batteries in your ears

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans

You channel surf faster without a remote

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug

You can outlast the Energizer bunny

You short out motion detectors

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment

You don't tan, you roast

You don't get mad, you get "steamed"

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after

You can't even remember your second cup

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate!

Posted: 11.01.2006